yes. hi. hello. me again.

i don’t have much time today so i will do my best to keep this quick and to the point.

i will keep this as factual and data rich as possible, i will save my trauma, my experience, and my feelings for another post on another day.

this is just the write-up - the pre-mortem if you will.


⚠ content warning

  • transgender issues
  • surgery
  • trauma
  • capitalism / healthcare
  • financial issues
  • family abandonment

disclosure 💖

there are friends who are taking care of me - and i love them more than words can say - this is 100% is not a way of minimizing that love and support.

it feels good to talk about some of my family issues and my isolation - and talking about it is okay.

there are many other people in the world who also live like me - so i would like them to know they are not alone.

📦 logistics

tomorrow morning around 7am pacific time i will be going into an all day facial feminization surgery (about 5 or 6 hours of anesthesia) and i will be completely alone for the surgery itself.

tomorrow morning around 5am i will have a ride to the hospital pick me up at home and i will get the 🔪 around 7am.

the following morning i should be given a ride home (pending a successful surgery) and will have one of my best friends in the world show up after i am home to help take care of me.

you want to “help”?

it is hard for me to ask for help and even harder for me to accept help - to be honest i am not even sure i have the skills to even know what the word help even means or when i should use it.

so here is what i sincerely want you to do for me.

  • take some time to learn about transgender health issues in america

to put it lightly - i (yes me “the kris nóva”) would probably have killed myself (or at least tried to) in the past 1-2 years if i didn’t have hope for this surgery.

yes - all the money i have made - all the work i have done - the fame - the fortune - all of it - doesn’t fucking matter compared to a lifetime of trauma that would inevitably entail if i couldn’t do this.

you are currently reading the words of the person who paved the way for the first enterprise deployments of kubernetes (in her free time) so i assure you i have ample resources to do what i want - when i want - and to do it well. to be frank - i don’t fuck around.

learn this 👀

this surgery is a desperate last resort - not a celebration ⛔🎉

the fact that i live my life tip-toeing the line of life and death has kept me sane and comfortable in this space.

this surgery (for me anyway) is not a celebration - it’s a repulsive “MVP” just to keep me alive long enough to try to dedicate my time and resources to helping others live in a world where they never have to go through what i did.

i am starting a non-profit

i am still working on getting myself situated in a more sustainable place - however as soon as i can budget more of my time (while still paying bills with capitalism points) i will be starting a non profit organization that addresses this very topic.

if you are interested in learning more please email me kris@nivenly.com kris@nivenly.com.

i’ll have more goals of the work and a charter outlined in the future - the basic mission statement is “privilege escalation” for STEM trans youth in late stage capitalism.

  • let’s lift up STEM transgender youth - not only to the level of their most privileged peers - but above it. 🏴‍☠️

what i would like you to do FOR YOU

in the same vein that i encourage everyone i meet (especially transgender and pre-transgender individuals) to be true to themselves - i would encourage you to do the same

if you would like to say hello - or tell me you read this - or tell me anything at all feel free to reach out

i just ask that you take it seriously and you take yourself seriously

Ways to reach out ✏

  • DMs on twitter
  • Email
  • Other avenues if you know me well enough

what i would like you to do for ME

  • read below and take it sincerely

⛔ this is not a celebration

  • if you want to be nice - then help craft a society where others don’t have to go through this
  • if you want to be nice - then call a loved one and listen to their words today
  • if you want to be nice - go pet your dog
  • if you want to be nice - go paint a picture

please

please

PLEASE do NOT tell me “congratulations”

…as this is isn’t anything to be celebrating - we have way too much work to do before we can be celebrating anything.

this is an absurd travesty and telling me “congratulations” is probably the most offensive thing you could do.

i (me - yes me) and others (you, your friends, their kids, your kids, the world) should absolutely NEVER be in the situation i am in - and with some small changes to YOUR lifestyle early childhood transgender healthcare can be a reality.

instead of congratulating me - how about we make it so nobody has to go through this again

this is not “cosmetic” 💅

if you haven’t been convinced that i do not give 2 shits about the heteronormative stereotypes bestowed upon us by now then you aren’t reading carefully enough.

i put together a lovely post that goes into detail about pronouns and the surgery specifics.

this surgery is un-doing trauma in my face that i never wanted there in the first place - and because of our society - it was allowed to go on against my will.

this is a removal of trauma in the form of bone marrow and calcium deposits - this is not a “beautification” surgery.

wikipedia refers to facial feminization surgery as cosmetic and i plan on opening up a change to the wiki later today as it’s described in wpath standards of care as very specifically NON cosmetic.

final thoughts

stay away from these thoughts/words

  • “look the way you want”
  • “you look beautiful”
  • “congratulations”
  • “as long as you are happy”
  • “whatever makes you happy”

seriously this all could have just been avoided if i was just allowed to take testosterone blockers as a teenager and society just let me be a fucking linux nerd without all the toxic masculinity

i am not actively “doing” anything - this isn’t a “bonus” - this isn’t a “wow you are so lucky”

however i am “actively” undoing physical changes that were done to me against my will - this is getting me closer out of the 📉 red - i am getting closer to 0 balance - closer to “debt free” emotionally.

words that are good to say

  • “what would be best today?”
  • “would you like some cheese?”
  • “can i come visit you?” (i honestly would love to see my friends and am bad at asking for help)

in a perfect world 🌏

in a perfect world none of this would be happening - the ideal outcome here is no commentary - no surgery - no downtime - and an overwhelming abundance of “boring”.

so if you do nothing so if you say nothing so if you never read this so if you don’t even notice anything has happened so if this literally never impacts you in any way what so ever

then we have been successful, and my work is done

twitter 🐦

i fucking hate twitter - but there are some decent folks there

i will NOT be tweeting a lot about the surgery - i will do my best to blog here - if you have questions/comments feel free to respond on each tweet when i post the blog

fuck off and go outside

if you can look in the mirror and go outside today without wanting to kill yourself - for our sake - do it - not everyone has that privilege

send pics

- nóva